by JP Esq | Jan 24, 2014 | Uncategorized
Nestled deep inside my brain, a propensity for comfortable predictability has been my guiding force through much of my life. As I enter my second act, I’ve tried to intentionally embrace the unknown and find freedom in the spontaneous moments of life. It is not the most innate part of my being, but it is something I work at, on purpose, these days.
In visiting myMister this past week, I took a leap and did what they were doing in Rome. And by Rome I mean the
DC Tattoo Expo.
We stumbled on the last day of this event and decided to check it out. A couple of laps and a few hours later: INKED!
It is a {very} small reminder for me to focus on the things that matter most – the things with infinite impact that last for ever. The things that boil down to Faith, Hope, and Love. This life can be so tough at times, but an upward gaze with a focus on the things that have eternal benefit will provide just enough juice and joy to keep you going.
One small step on this journey of letting go and living free.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18 [NIV]
“And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13 [NIV]
by JP Esq | Oct 7, 2013 | Uncategorized
I bake. I used to bake a lot, but since I’m currently without a kitchen of my own {story later, or never} I bake much less than I used to. Nonetheless, when I do get back in the world of 350 degree ovens, butter, and batter, I always end up with a pretty darn good story. This cake is no different.
Casa Karpinski was the destination and warming a home was the intention.
My grandiose ideas for decadent layer cakes sometimes end in tragedy. I’m learning though, these unexpected events are tragic to me, but no one else. This lovely little cake was supposed to be a petal-iced,
4-layer Chocolate Porter Cake + Chocolate Dulce de Leche Swiss Meringue. Really? Because that isn’t what happened.
What really happened was I doubled the recipe and ended up with way too much batter but thought I could go ahead and load two 8″ x 3″ rounds, split them in two and TaDa! four easy layers.
Using my parents’ oven, I decided to opt out of the convection setting because it seems to bake everything way too fast and not nearly as thorough as it should. Oh, but don’t worry because using a regular “bake at 350”, it took both cakes like 90 minutes {I stopped paying attention at some point} to bake through. Fine. Bake – Cool – Remove from pans except, just kidding…some of the cake decided it wasn’t interested in leaving the pan and Cake One was essentially D.O.A.
A year ago this would have set off a perfectionist-induced scrambling to bake another cake, cool, and ice it in the 2 hours I had left to play with before I needed to leave for said shindig.
Today, I’m learning to STOP, BREATHE, and CHILL the cuss out. I decided to use what I had {one remaining gorgeously dark chocolate cake} and leave it mostly naked. I used a little of that chocolate dulce de leche meringueish buttercream, which alone I wasn’t a fan of, but when paired with that cake it was a near perfect balance. I threw on some toffee bits and drizzled warm dulce de leche on top and there ya go. Fin.
This is where I tell you that I got to the party, halo and all and everything was just fine. It is also where I leave out the part where I decided to go to the car wash before the party and wash and vacuum my car and basically obliterate the cake box sitting on my front seat with the vacuum hose. That’s irrelevant information.
All in all, this freedom journey is teaching me that 9 times out of 10 I’m stressing myself out over things that most people will barely notice, if at all.
And there’s too much bondage in that.
Am I alone in this? Do you find yourself stressed the cuss out for no apparent reason at all?
by JP Esq | May 3, 2013 | Uncategorized
I am not a control freak.
I just prefer to know the 5 Ws & 1 H of any given situation, at any given time.
But, I’m not a control freak. theMister will tell you otherwise, but what does he know? The thing is I do not do well with the whole “worry about the first step not the entire staircase” thing. {Horrible paraphrase}. I have to account for every more probable than not scenario that might happen ever. Period.
I carry an unreasonable amount of irrational and unfounded worries & fears with me daily. This is an exhausting way to live. In one of my five hour marathon phone calls with theMister, he said that his greatest wish for me was just to live free. It’s something that I crave, but still seem to remain stuck in the gallows of a pre-planned life of predictability, stability, and certainty.
See, what the people who know me intimately understand is that I have a faith problem. In the world of mustard-seed faith, worry and fear are incompatible with life. The most commonly used definition of biblical faith comes from Hebrews:
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for<sup class="crossreference" value="(A)”> and assurance about what we do not see. (Heb 11:1; NIV)
The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. (Heb 11:1; MSG)
Faith is doing that thing your heart desires because you know without a doubt, that God’s got your back and that there is a divine order to things and you’ll never be left hanging. Faith is putting your hope, not in the things of people, but in the things and ways of God. Faith is believing when you have absolutely no reason to other than, because.
It isn’t that I lack faith in my belief in God. But, I seem to have a problem holding onto his promises concerning ME. There are other people in the world with bigger problems. I have shelter. I have food. I have a job. I have a nice car. I really have nothing to complain about. Yet, deep within me there is this yearning for more. To do more – to be more – to live more. Even still, I let fear stop me in my tracks. I struggle with a flurry of in-brain activity that gives rise to questions like: What will people think? Am I doing things in the right order? What if it doesn’t work out? And suddenly, those questions morph into self-defeating statements of: This would be stupid. This can never work. No one will ever understand this.
But, WHO CARES.
I’ve nearly reached my tipping point in the give a crap about what other people think category. I’ve grown weary of constraint, pre-planned order, and society-driven ways of being. My path is not, nor does it have to be, your path.
As I enter this next season of growth, my main concern is to live free. Because life is too short not to. That means making unsafe and uncomfortable {for the moment} decisions. That means living for the God Whispers. That means taking my life by the angel wings and diving in body first.
So F this.
That F is for FAITH.
Freedom’s calling.
by JP Esq | Apr 5, 2013 | Uncategorized
I spend a lot of time on airplanes. I’ve been on a flight every month {sometimes two} since last autumn. I’m that person who gets sad when I see people checking in at the airport as I’m leaving. I love flying. Right now, the East Coast is wooing me with its big cities & little beaches. My sister was doing the Broadway thing so trips to NYC seemed to be a regular occurrence for a while.
And every trip has a story.
…like the time the lady in the seat next to me started playing a Native American Flute in-flight so that the crying child in the front of the plane could feel more comfortable.
…or the time when I went to Central Park with full knowledge of rain in the forecast, with no jacket or umbrella and ended up stuck, under a tree, with a rat in pouring ran and ran to the subway drenched 3 hours before I was to be at the airport on a flight home.
…or the time I met up with a friend in the concrete jungle wearing heels and got stuck in a Polish parade in the middle of Fifth Avenue as we walked several NY blocks to find a brunch that we never made it to.
…or that one time…
When I once again flew East. What started as burgers, beers & milkshakes morphed into family visits, brunches & shopping and 2am Capitol escapades and 3am diner dinners and sunset walks on the beach. It was a whirlwind weekend.
It took me twelve years to make that trip. But, it was the trip of a lifetime and the beginning of the same. As I start to live my life outside the yellow lines of caution, my visits with theMister {that’s what we’ll call him now} are the high points of my months.
I love being above the clouds. I commune with God there. And on the other side of that journey comes the sacred time with this new…uh…love.
But, ssh…don’t tell anyone…
by JP Esq | Apr 3, 2013 | Uncategorized
I don’t really do Nicholas Sparks. Sure, I’ve seen the movies because I wouldn’t be woman {hear me roar} if I didn’t. But I don’t read the books. Pssh, who needs romance…
Well according to the universe, I needed it.
I don’t really believe in chance. But, I do believe in God and the crazy things He’s done in my life. For the last five years, I was in what I like to describe as a black hole of love. A bad break up of a long-time relationship left me bitter and completely uninterested in love of any kind. They say time heals all wounds. Perhaps, that’s true. Either way, time/God/call it what you want, took me on a journey of heartache, sorrow, depression, and healing. Eventually I could see a pinhole of light in my black hole.
And at some point I climbed out, content in my new permanent life of solitude.
I was fine with that.
Then it was November and “in the blink of an eye, something happened by chance – when I least expected it – setting me on a course that I never planned, into a future I never imagined.” {Paraphrased}.
I went to dinner.
And by dinner I mean, pie. Sometimes the best things happen over pie and coffee. Then pie and coffee turns into etouffee and hot sauce. And then etouffee and hot sauce turns into wine and late night conversation.
We were supposed to go to dinner and then go about our lives as forever friends. Forever friends from a distance. But, Someone had other plans. Buckle up kids. This is gonna be one crazy ride.
I am fine with that.
by JP Esq | Mar 24, 2013 | Uncategorized
Things change. Sometimes change is often and Jimmy John’s fast. Sometimes change is sporadic and molasses slow. Either way, things change. And when they do, you can almost guarantee that it will hurt. Not always an unbearable pain, but growing pains are real.
While I still am true to my “do too many things at once” personality, I promise you I’m a different person than I was when I started this little public journal. I struggle with my public image. Only a finger of the handful of people who read me actually know me (shut your faces). But if you stumbled here because of a cupcake recipe, or a Top 9 mention in the days of FoodBuzz (Hashtag R.I.P), you are who I think about when I consider whether or not to post something, to say something, to pour myself out in these posts. I’ve been on a spiritual journey for the past few years and I can’t imagine that if you visit here for luscious buttercream experiments that you want to hear me gushing about spiritual encounters, God’s work in my life, or what philosophical mumbo jumbo is bouncing around in my head.
And I care about you.
But, I do not care about you enough to be anything less than my authentic self. Because that would be stupid.
So, I apologize that I’m not sorry for the imminent shift in what I write. I do this for me. I hope something that slides out of my face is relevant to some aspect of your life. But if it isn’t, there are no less than 18392740 other blogs for you to read. I’d hate to see you go, but then again, there are only 5 of you anyway.
Here’s to vulnerable honesty.
It’s evolution.
It’s necessary.
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