My Mr. has a way of speaking so much life into my world. The hard truths are shrouded in love and through that process I have a growing self-awareness. Here are a few things I’ve learned about myself this year:
I’m not the rock in my relationship; I am the kite in the wind. I have always held some inflated sense of pride in being the solid rock in my relationships. The one who has it all together, knows all the answers, makes all the right moves. I’ve learned that I am the exact opposite of that. I’m the one who freaks first. When the storms roll in (and they always do) I am thrashed around in brutal fashion. But more than the acknowledgement of this is the acceptance that it is ok, as long as I commit to growth. I don’t have to always have it all together. I don’t have all of the answers. My Mr. somehow harnesses my energy (as he puts it) and finds a way to root his feet soundly in God’s Word and Way and keep me tethered close so I don’t fly off into the winds of trial. When he’s flailing, I hope to do the same for him.
I have to rely on God for my supply of patience; it is not something I posses. Perhaps we all have that list of ideal qualities we think we should posses. At the top of my list was patience. I’m supposed to be patient, so when my patience wanes I see failure in my dashboard. Grace absent. Initially, when My Mr. pointed out my penchant for impatience, I was hurt and felt a grandiose sense of inadequacy. What I learned was that I needed to be ok in my weakness to give God’s strength the opportunity to be perfect over me. Listen, I’m not patient. Everyone moves too slow, thinks too slow, talks to slow. And I’m sorry. But I’m working on it and learning to give myself grace in the process.
I have decision paralysis. Whatever the source, this is the one thing I’m trying to change post-haste. I could write a book on the origins of my current paralytic state when it comes to making decisions (and perhaps some day I will), but not today. I labor over making decisions. Big and small. Insignificant and life-changing. And by labor I mean a painstaking, soul-swallowing, tear drying intense overwhelm. It is a prison in which I no longer wish to dwell. I bought into the illusion that I was actually deciding NOT act when I wasn’t sure what to do. In other words, if I’m not 100% sure that it is a perfect right decision, I don’t do anything. Not ok. Not continuing. Must change.
There are others, but these are the three that present themselves most today. I am grateful for the 14 years of friendship I have behind this growing relationship and for someone who delivers the truth of what I need to know in a way that is loving and soft (most of the time). He understands my fragile interior, but loves me enough to desire and encourage continuous personal growth from me, by making me aware of who I am. He wants to see me do better, grow, and be more of who God created me to be. I don’t deserve the gift that he is to my life, but I humbly receive him.
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