I am not a control freak.
I just prefer to know the 5 Ws & 1 H of any given situation, at any given time.
But, I’m not a control freak. theMister will tell you otherwise, but what does he know? The thing is I do not do well with the whole “worry about the first step not the entire staircase” thing. {Horrible paraphrase}. I have to account for every more probable than not scenario that might happen ever. Period.
I carry an unreasonable amount of irrational and unfounded worries & fears with me daily. This is an exhausting way to live. In one of my five hour marathon phone calls with theMister, he said that his greatest wish for me was just to live free. It’s something that I crave, but still seem to remain stuck in the gallows of a pre-planned life of predictability, stability, and certainty.
See, what the people who know me intimately understand is that I have a faith problem. In the world of mustard-seed faith, worry and fear are incompatible with life. The most commonly used definition of biblical faith comes from Hebrews:
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for<sup class="crossreference" value="(A)”> and assurance about what we do not see. (Heb 11:1; NIV)
The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. (Heb 11:1; MSG)
Faith is doing that thing your heart desires because you know without a doubt, that God’s got your back and that there is a divine order to things and you’ll never be left hanging. Faith is putting your hope, not in the things of people, but in the things and ways of God. Faith is believing when you have absolutely no reason to other than, because.
It isn’t that I lack faith in my belief in God. But, I seem to have a problem holding onto his promises concerning ME. There are other people in the world with bigger problems. I have shelter. I have food. I have a job. I have a nice car. I really have nothing to complain about. Yet, deep within me there is this yearning for more. To do more – to be more – to live more. Even still, I let fear stop me in my tracks. I struggle with a flurry of in-brain activity that gives rise to questions like: What will people think? Am I doing things in the right order? What if it doesn’t work out? And suddenly, those questions morph into self-defeating statements of: This would be stupid. This can never work. No one will ever understand this.
But, WHO CARES.
I’ve nearly reached my tipping point in the give a crap about what other people think category. I’ve grown weary of constraint, pre-planned order, and society-driven ways of being. My path is not, nor does it have to be, your path.
As I enter this next season of growth, my main concern is to live free. Because life is too short not to. That means making unsafe and uncomfortable {for the moment} decisions. That means living for the God Whispers. That means taking my life by the angel wings and diving in body first.
So F this.
That F is for FAITH.
Freedom’s calling.
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