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| (c) 2010 Brown Sugar Meatloaf – Garden of the Gods – Colorado Springs, CO |
Not too long ago I had a slight breakdown {slight is a gross understatement}. I packed up my office and walked to my car. I had 5 days off and left my office in order such that if I did not return to this job, someone could pick up where I left off. Did I have another job to walk into? No. Did I care? Not so much.
Here’s the thing. {I’ve tried explaining this concept before so follow me if you can}. I’m an attorney by profession. Stereotypes or not, I think this gives you a tad bit of insight into the type of person I am. In a nutshell: in order for me to breathe properly, my brain must be actively engaged in some challenging task at all times. Although I have moments when I love my job, there tend to also be moments {that can last for months} when my brain is on an involuntary vacation. Boredom stresses me out. Does anyone out there understand my pain?
Of course, I hear the typical: “you get paid pretty well to be bored, so take your paycheck and hush.” While I can appreciate the fact that I am currently employed, subscribing to this mindset would leave me in a job where I am essentially ignoring my own knowledge, skills, abilities, passions, etc. as I sit still and accept a life of boredom. Along with this comes another frustration: I don’t wear my law degree on my chest and advertise this to everyone I come in contact with. It’s what I do, not who I am. Because I wasn’t hired into a position typical of other people with law degrees at my place of full-time employment, people I interact with outside of those walls {and sometimes inside of those walls} talk to me and treat me like I don’t have a brain in this head of mine.
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| (c) 2010 Brown Sugar Meatloaf |
It all became too much.
So I ran.
To the airport. I fled to Colorado. I just wanted to be in silence. With nature. With God. With people I do not know {except my lovely JF and her new hubby with whom I had the opportunity to visit}. I wanted to find a lake, in the middle of the mountains and sit there for hours until the bears came to eat dinner.
I needed peace. I needed to be able to hear God’s whispers to me. I needed to be reminded that I was not created nor was I raised to quit anything on someone else’s terms. {Please note that I needed no reminder that I owe Aunt Sallie (Mae) upwards of $118K in education loans}. Walking away is not an option. Not like that anyway. So I sat.
And there. There, in the sweet open air of the Rocky Mountains, I found peace. Suddenly everything was still. I found renewal. I found the motivation that I seem to have lost.
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| (c) 2010 Brown Sugar Meatloaf – Bear Lake – Rocky Mountain National Park |
So now, I reboot. I go back to my roots and figure out how to do what I love. It’s not about me really. For me, it’s about living out God’s purpose & plan for me. I have to believe that my current situation is part of that. It’s up to me to find contentment within a less than ideal situation, use what I have, and push forward.
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| (c) 2010 Brown Sugar Meatloaf |
At some point, I’ll get back in the kitchen. Until then, I’ll dream of the majestic mountainside that is, to me, God’s Sunday afternoon canvas.
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